They Want WHAT?
by Serenity's Lady
Summary: Not your typical "shag-or-die" story. Well, it does involve Donna Noble, after all. :)


Title: They Want WHAT?!

Author: serenityslady

Pairing: 10/Donna, with a touch of Jack Harkness

Rating: K+ (maybe T) for suggestive language and questionable content

Disclaimer: Oh, that this _were_ in my hands (or _anyone's_ , other than the imbecile in charge now!)

A/N1: I wasn't doing to write anything for the bad_wolf_rising Holiday Ficathon over on Live Journal (cos I just don't _**do**_ "shag-or-die"), but my Muse – at freakin' 1:15 in the morning – started in on me. So here we go. Take it for what it is.

A/N2: I think it is safe to assume that this takes place in an AU where Donna never lost her memories, where she always turned left, and the parallel worlds remain closed.

A/N3: And heartfelt thanks to the incomparable dtstrainers for her invaluable assistance. She know what I mean.

"No."

That one word was stated with such finality that it brooked no argument or rebuttal. Well, at least it would have in any normal human being. But the Doctor wasn't human. Or normal, for that matter.

"Now, Donna. Be reasonable."

"Reasonable?!" his companion shrieked. "I'll give you reasonable!" Donna Noble drew herself up from the cold stone floor of the cell, stood with her back straight and shoulders square, and stomped over to the wooden bench on which slumped the Doctor. "Listen hard, Sunshine, cos I'm only gonna say this once. There is no way on Earth, or Jinxy, or whatever the hell this planet is, that I am going to put on a show for a bunch of perverted googly-eyed, purple-skinned aliens!"

The Doctor sighed and gestured for her to sit down beside him. She warily eyed the bench but sat down. He took one of her hands and said quietly, "We don't really have much of a choice. The Jerlaxii are a fairly brutal race, but surprisingly inquisitive. We are the first humanoids to stumble upon their planet and, naturally, they are curious about us: where we come from, how we think, how our biology works. It's a purely scientific interest."

Donna slapped his hand away. She was not appeased in the slightest. "Oh, that makes it _**soooooo**_ much better. A bloody scientific curiosity, am I? I'll shove my foot so far up their _'curiosity'_ , I'll bruise their brains and part their hair from the inside!"

"Would you rather _'dance'_ with me, Red?" a voice drawled from another corner.

Donna turned her head sharply and spat out, "That's enough out of _**you**_ , Captain Hormone. We probably wouldn't even _**be**_ on this bloody planet if you hadn't been mucking about with the TARDIS console."

Jack Harkness chuckled. "But she loves it when I play with her knobs!"

Donna turned back to the Doctor in disgust. "Come on, Time Boy. Use that big brain of yours and figure a way out of this. This can't be the first time you've gotten into a situation like this."

The Doctor blushed slightly and replied, "Well, not exactly this same scenario. I'm usually the one being pursued to complete some fertility ritual. But you have to believe me. The Jerlaxii _**will**_ kill us as intruders if we don't …"

"So it's ' _shag-or-die'_ , is it?" Donna stated flatly. "I thought that only happened in bad fan fiction."

"Trust me, Donna. It is an all too real possibility. And if there was anything I thought would change their minds, I'd do it in a hearts-beat."

Just then, a voice boomed from speakers above their heads. **"YOU WILL COMMENCE WITH THE PROCREATIVE DEMONSTRATION IMMEDIATELY."**

Donna jumped up, startled by the voice, and further angered at the instruction and tone. Raising her face to the ceiling, she began to rant. "Now listen here, you pasty-faced purple perverts. This is **NOT** going to happen! You can't make us do anything like this against our wills. Even if we went along with your _scientific experiment_ " – she practically spat out the words – "it wouldn't work."

" **EXPLAIN."**

"You obviously don't know anything about interpersonal relations. What you are asking us to do is not just a biological process. It's a very intimate act, usually performed by two people who have feelings for one another and who trust each other explicitly, as this situation puts them in a very open, vulnerable state. There is more to procreation than simple biology. There is emotion, and caring, and a personal connection that touches each other's souls. Sure, two people can rut like bunnies if they want to. Happens all the time after a Friday night at the pub.

"But before we even go _there_ , let's talk about something even more basic: compatibility. You have probably scanned us and should have realized that we are two completely different species! How likely would it be that we are even remotely physically compatible, that all the slots and tabs align properly? He's from a highly evolved, lordly species, and I'm just a temp from an unimportant race on a backward planet.

"And that's another thing. Being a Time Lord – you've heard of them, I imagine – what makes you think he'd sully himself with the likes of me? Is your scientific curiosity _**so**_ important that you would force a member of high Gallifreyan society to demean himself to perform an act so intimate and personal with a lower class of being? Look at him! He can't even look at me without cringing at the possibility." She gestured behind her where the Doctor sat forlornly on the bench, hands scrubbing his face.

"You seem like intelligent beings, if somewhat short on social skills. Can't you see how inappropriate this is? If you really, truly are interested on a purely academic level, we can provide you with written materials on the subject. Hell, there are _**films**_ we can send you." At a suppressed giggle from the far corner of the room, Donna glared at Jack and clarified, "Not of _**us**_ , mind. Scientific studies and instructional videos."

After a long pause, the speakers crackled again. **"WHY SHOULD WE WAIT WHEN WE HAVE SPECIMENS HERE AT OUR DISPOSAL?"**

"Why?!" Donna bellowed. "I'll bloody well tell you why not! Because Donna Noble of Earth chooses NOT to play your game!"

" **THEN YOU WILL BE EXECUTED,"** the voice stated.

Donna gasped but held her head up and stood her ground. "If you let these two go free, then I'm fine with that." The Doctor started to protest, but she put out her hand, her finger raised to hush him. "But think on this, oh mighty Jerlaxii. What do you suppose will happen when other humanoid races find out about your form of hospitality? Hmmm? We may be a lesser species, but from what I hear, we eventually swarm all over the Universe. And we won't be known for our beneficence and understanding. Do you want to risk that?"

The room was silent. Donna stood in the centre, her hands clenched into fists, her eyes blazing. The Doctor sat stunned. He knew he should have done or said _something_ to stop her, but once she got going, Donna was a force to be reckoned with. Jack just sat in his corner, smiling to himself.

As they waited, faint noises could be hear in the speakers, as if a group of people were whispering hurriedly and intently. Finally, after what seemed to be an extended period of discussion, the silence was broken. **"YOU HAVE MADE VERY GOOD ARGUMENTS, DONNA NOBLE OF EARTH. WE HAD NOT CONSIDERED THE PSYCHOLOGICAL, NON-PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF OUR REQUESTS. WE RECOGNIZE THAT WE CANNOT FORCE RATIONAL BEINGS TO PARTICIPATE. THAT WOULD BE DISHONOURABLE AND UNETHICAL. HOWEVER, IF YOU WERE TO CONSENT, DOCTOR?"**

Before the Doctor could get out a _'Well, uh, I mean'_ , Donna shook her head firmly and said, "Nothing doing. You're not putting him on the spot like this. We'll send you those materials and videos once we get back. But now, I think we'll be on our way."

" **VERY WELL. YOU MAY GO."** They heard the sound of metal bolts being pulled back, and the doors to their cell squealed as they opened.

Donna was not about to let their captors change their minds. She grabbed the Doctor by the arm and, gesturing to the American in the corner, proudly and determinedly strode out of the prison and into the sunlight. She didn't let go of his arm until she had reached into her pocket and produced the TARDIS key. Pushing the doors open with one hand, she shooed the Doctor and Jack into the ship. Checking left and right to make sure they had not been followed, she shut the doors with a heavy hand and marched over to the console.

The Control Room was uncharacteristically quiet. Not even the Time Rotor was making much noise as it slowly rose and fell. Donna quickly and efficiently adjusted the TARDIS controls to head them off to their next destination.

"That's it," she declared when the last button had been pushed and the last dials twirled. "We'll be in Cardiff in no time. The poor dear needs to refuel, and you, Captain, need to re-join your team."

Jack sauntered over to her and threw an arm across her shoulder. "Sure you don't want a dance or two before we land?" he said with a leer.

The TARDIS gave a tiny little groan and a slight bump, the only indication that they had landed. Donna deftly manoeuvred out from under his arm. "Save it for that sweet young Welshman you've got waiting for you, ya 51st Century walking gonad," she laughed, pushing him toward the doors. "Better be careful. I have half a mind to steal him away from you!"

"Never happen," he countered. "Ianto adores me." He opened the door and stepped outside, in an odd way relieved to be home. He popped his head back in and said, "Don't you two be strangers, now."

"We won't," Donna replied. "I'll make sure of that."

"I'll just bet you will," Jack responded. And with a wink and a grin, he was gone.

The Doctor had not spoken a word, or even made a sound, since they left the prison cell on Jerlaxii. Donna knew there was something bothering him but she felt it was probably prudent to not pursue it while Jack was around. Now that they were alone and the TARDIS was settled into refuelling, she walked over to where the Doctor sat forlornly on the pilot's seat, his eyes downcast.

She plopped herself down next to him and nudged him with her hip. "Budge over, Spaceman. There's room enough for two, you know."

Without a word, he slid aside, making space for her. She was baffled by his silence. Looking over at him, she asked, concerned, "What is it, Doctor?"

He didn't move for a moment, then slowly he raised his head. "That was inordinately foolish, what you did back there," he stated flatly.

Donna was puzzled. "What? Shouting at them? Really didn't think I had anything to lose. If they were going to kill us, they'd have done it regardless of what I did or said. Besides, it got us out, didn't it? Your virtue is untarnished."

The Doctor stood up and moved to the console. He meandered slowly around it, touching a mechanism here, running a finger over a lever there. Donna could tell he was working himself up to say something, and it was all she could do to keep herself still. She couldn't imagine why he was so upset, but it was obvious he was.

"You got most of it wrong, you know," he said quietly in a murmur almost too low for her to hear.

"Most of what?" she asked.

"Your detailed analysis of the ' _shag-or-die'_ situation, as you so bluntly put it." Sarcasm dripped from his every word.

"Yeah?" She bristled at his tone. "How so?"

He turned and looked at her directly for the first time since they had re-entered the TARDIS. She was startled to see, not anger in his expressive caramel eyes, but sadness and regret. He sighed. "In the first place, the biology is just fine. All the tabs and slots fit perfectly well together. Well, at least I _think_ they do. There hasn't been much call for **my** _'tab'_ ," he muttered under his breath."

He raise his voice. "And in no way would I ever consider any kind of association with you as sullying myself. You refuse to understand and accept that I believe you are brilliant and clever and valuable. Just look at what you've accomplished. You shared the burden of my decision to destroy Pompeii to maintain the timelines. You helped solve the mysteries at Lady Eddington's, bolstering Agatha's self-esteem and saving my wretched life in the process. You helped save Planet Earth from the Sontarans, for gods' sake! You are **not** _'just a temp'_. You are not _'just'_ _ **anything**_ **!** You are a marvel and I am honoured to be in your company."

He began to pace around the console, as he was wont to do when he was agitated or thinking. "You were absolutely right when you told the Jerlaxii that mating **is** a very intimate thing, and that it is the natural result of caring for another, and requires explicit trust in each other. And that those feelings can make one very, very vulnerable."

He stopped and walked over to her, seeing her confused expression and narrowed eyes. "And for the record, I was not cringing at the possibility of having to engage in intimate relations with you. On the contrary. I was horrified at the idea that the first time I would be holding you in my arms and caressing your body would be under duress and in front of an audience, and most especially in front of Jack Harkness."

Donna had been restraining herself since his mention of tabs and slots – and, yes, she **did** hear his muttered aside. She leapt off the seat and confronted him. "Doctor," she said firmly, "what are you on about?"

The Doctor grabbed her hands, which he was afraid would lash out at him as he continued. "See? I knew you wouldn't believe me. I haven't had the courage to tell you this before. But after witnessing yet another selfless act, first of defending my somewhat questionable honour, and then offering yourself as a sacrifice to save Jack and me, I couldn't keep silent any longer."

"Doctor?" Donna was more confused than ever. "Why are you talking such rubbish?"

He led her back and sat them down, still holding her hands. "Donna, it's not rubbish. I'm trying to tell you that I fancy you something fierce. No, wait. That's not right. What I feel isn't a mere fancy. And if I am right, and I usually am," he added with a smirk, "you feel something for me too."

Donna's heart stopped for a second and her breath caught. How had he known? She tried so hard not to let her growing affection for him show.

The Doctor held her hands more tightly, as he felt her trying to pull away. "I know. I'm confusing you. Hell, I confused myself for the longest time. I know I insisted I only wanted a mate, with no complications. And I did. I really meant it when I told you that. And I'll admit I was relieved when you agreed, readily and rather vehemently, if you recall.

But that was before I had the chance to know you, the real you. The Donna Noble who declared _'Never mind us'_ , in the face of imminent death. Who begged me to _'Just save someone!'_ Who wept for a dying Ood and wanted to hear their song, even though she knew it would be terrible. Who tried so very hard to make me accept Jenny for what she was. Who told me I was wrong! How could I **NOT** love a woman like that?!"

Again, she tried to disengage from his grasp, and again, he held on for dear life. "I tried, you know. I tried not to fall in love with you. You were so clear in your opinion. _'Long streak of alien nothing'_ , I believe it was." He was inwardly pleased to see her drop her head to hide the slight tinge of pink of her cheeks. "As I said, I was grateful for your attitude at the time. But as we travelled together, as we shared adventures and meals and cups of tea in the Library, the affection I always have for my companions began to shift it a way it hadn't for a very long time."

Donna finally got her hands away from the Doctor and moved away from him on the seat to be able to look at him directly. "What exactly are you telling me? Please. Be plain. I couldn't bear a misunderstanding. Not about this."

The Doctor stood and, taking her by the arm, raising her up so that they were almost eye-to-eye. He rested both hands on her shoulders and said, "You want plain. Well, here is plain. I love you, Donna Noble, with both hearts and all my being. And I am hoping against hope that you feel the same way."

Donna leaned away from the Doctor, but not enough to break physical contact. Staring straight into his eyes, she asked, "Are you serious?"

"Of course, I'm serious. I've never _**been**_ more serious." A sudden thought blazed across his mind and he frowned. "Of course, if you don't feel the same way, I completely understand," he interjected quickly, before she had a chance to say anything further. "We can go on just the way we've been, if you prefer. You're my best mate, Donna, the closest friend I have had for a _**very**_ time, and I don't want to spoil it. Things can stay exactly the same. We can go where the TARDIS takes us, have adventures and laugh and cry as it strikes us, eat popcorn and watch silly movies in the media room. Whatever you want. Just please. Don't tell me I've bollocks it up and you want to go home. I couldn't bear it if you lefmpthd rmshfh….." The last few words were muffled beneath the fingers that Donna placed firmly over his mouth."

"You know what, Sunshine? Sometimes you talk too much. Now put that mouth to better use and kiss me."

Somewhat later – alright **MUCH, MUCH** later – the Doctor screamed Donna's name in the throes of his second climax of the night – fourth for Donna– and collapsed in a boneless heap on his best friend, companion and, now, lover. They were both satiated to the point of insensibility. After a moment, he eased himself off – to be fair, she did have to nudge him a bit – and lay on his back, breathing heavily. Slowly turning on his side, he raised his hand to brush strands of sweat-dampened hair from her face. Gazing upon Donna's flushed form, he smiled and said with a chuckle, "By Rassilon and all the Eternals, that was incredible!"

"Amazing what can happen when you shut your gob for a minute, innit," she retorted. "Less talking and more doing, I always say."

He leaned over and kissed her tenderly. "Oh, I remember you being fairly vocal a few times there, yourself."

She sat up and smacked his bare arm playfully. "That was expressing my enjoyment and appreciation, you prawn. An entirely different thing. You just prattle on and on about nothing."

"Appreciation and enjoyment, was it? Hmmm. Let's see if I can render you speechless, shall we?" He pulled her to him and gave her a searing kiss.

Even later – though neither could say just how much later, having been a bit too preoccupied with other, more pressing matters – the Doctor and Donna were spooned together, her back to his front, his arms wrapped around her waist, both with their eyes closed. Donna smiled as she felt the warmth of his breath gently stirring the hair on the top of her head. _'Ah, bless him,'_ she thought. _'I've worn the poor dear out.'_

"I can hear your thoughts," he murmured, burrowing his face further into her hair. "I'll teach you to shield them," he said, "but not now. I'm far too tired and, besides. I love the pattern and colour of your post-coital thoughts."

Donna smiled and hugged his arms closer to her. "That's fine. I could hear yours too. There was a moment there, right at the end, when your hearts were beating so fast and so hard, and your eyes started to roll back into your head, all I could hear was white noise. I thought I was going to lose you."

"Ah, yes," he chuckled. " _'Le petite mort'_ , as the French so colourfully call it. _'The little death'_." He kissed the top of her head.

"Don't you go dying on me, now that I've finally got you," she said.

"Rest assured, I have no immediate intentions. But I will say this. If I have to die, I would most certainly rather die in your arms."

Donna turned her head and looked back at the Doctor. "Isn't that how we got into this in the first place?"

"What do you mean?" he replied, curious.

"The whole _shag-or-die'_ thing. Or, in this case, ' _shag-and-almost-die'_!"

He laughed heartily and drew her tightly against him. She squealed as she felt the evidence of his renewed interest. "Aren't you the randy one?!" she giggled. "Talk of death gets you all hot and bothered, eh?"

"No, talk of shagging you does that!" he retorted, flexing his hips, showing just how bothered he really was. "What was it you said? _'Less talking and more doing'_?"

"I like the sound of that." She rolled over to face him. " _Allons-y_?" she purred with just the hint of a smirk in her voice.

"Oh, yes!" he breathed against her lips as he leaned in to kiss her again.


End file.
